


Dealing with the Diary - a Starsong Fic.

by coffeesp00ns



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: F/F, Non-Canon Relationship, Not Canon Compliant, starsong - Freeform, swantares, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26291209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeesp00ns/pseuds/coffeesp00ns
Summary: Well, here we are.This is a ship that doesn't get anywhere near the amount of love that it should, from a work that doesn't get nearly as much praise as it should. It also takes place from Ashley's point of view, not Victoria's.This fic attempts to, if not be canon-compliant, at least be Canon-adjacent, to Ward arc 13, Black. Things are necessarily different - the timing of Tt and Vic's investigation has been spread out to allow for these events to take place, for example, and the conversation between Kenzie and Victoria in 13.7 does not occur as it happened in-canon.Have fun, enjoy the pining, and don't worry too much about canon-compliance (especially ... later canon compliance, if you understand my meaning).
Relationships: Victoria Dallon | Glory Girl | Antares/Ashley Stillons II | Damsel of Distress | Swansong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Ward](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/678688) by John C. "Wildbow" McCrae. 



It started with the towels. Well, it didn’t _start_ with the towels, but that was definitely a turning point.

I carefully turned the shower knob off and squeezed the excess water out of my hair, then I nudged the shower door open with my elbow and stepped out onto the bath mat. I stared out from underneath my dripping locks and half-blindly reached over to the fresh towels to grab the black towels, stacked neatly next to the white ones. One for my body, and one for my … 

My hand came up empty.

“Huh,” I said. _That’s queer. I could have sworn I just put two fresh sets in here a few days ago._ I delicately slipped into my silk bathrobe, and walked out into the cold hall, leaving wet prints on the way to the linen closet.

The white side was full, as it had been since we’d done the last load of laundry after my sister left. Off to attempt to establish herself as a villain. I wasn’t optimistic about her chances of success. The black side was conspicuously empty of towels, hand towels, and washcloths. The sheets were there, the pillowcases, the duvet cover, but no towels.

“I could have sworn …” I scrunched up my nose. _What happened to all my towels?_

I heard a grunt from down the hall. In between exertion and pain, I couldn’t be sure. Was Victoria having another nightmare? It seemed late for her to be sleeping, considering the appointment we had today, but one never knew. I walked down the hall, my feet beginning to get cold. That was a serious problem in this apartment that we needed to get addressed. The curse of pre-fabricated quickly built construction - it leaked everywhere. I heard another grunt as I reached the door, so instead of knocking, I opened it.

“Uh!” a surprised Victoria lost her grip on her bedframe and had to use her flight to prevent herself from falling and smacking her head on the wooden side of the bed.

“You’re using the black towels,” I stated. “Why? That makes no sense.”

She stood up, holding the length of terrycloth in front of her in some sort of attempt at modest. As if I hadn’t been given a full view of her sports bra and pyjama pants, both of which nicely framed her defined abs.

_Focus, Stillons._

“What?” She said, taking off her headphones. I could hear some sort of rock music coming out of the small speakers. How pedestrian.

“Towels.”

“What about the towels?”

As if she didn’t know. This was absurd. “Are you using the black towels?”

“Yes, your sister had the black and you had the white. So,” she held up the one in front of her, “I switched over to the black ones.”

“It fundamentally stands to reason that I would switch to the black.” I gestured to my robe, which matched the shade.

“Fundamentally, huh?” she sighed.”Well, I’ll use the white ones moving forward.”

“Thank you,” I would put ‘reasonable’ into the list of ‘Reasons why Victoria was a better roommate than my sister had been.’ While I’d been thinking, I’d been staring at her body a little longer than was polite. _Get a grip, you have other things to do today_. I pulled my bathrobe closer together and changed the subject.

“We have an hour before we have to go,” I said. “Would you like tea?”

“Showering after this,” she gestured to the workout mat, “then tea would be great. I’ll make breakfast.”

“If you’ll eat bacon, egg and scones, I’m already working on it,” If, by working on it, I meant thinking about it. I still needed to dry my hair and put real clothes on. 

“Thank you,” She said, “that would be excellent.” Of course, she’ll like the bacon at least. Why did I even offer eggs? She hated eggs.

I walked over and snathed the proffered towel, “Make sure to use the white ones,” I said, shaking the towel in my hand as I left the room and closed the door. I walked back in the bathroom and closed the door, slumping back against it. I looked down at the towel in my hands. Even in the bathroom, fresh with the scent of my shampoo and soap, I could still smell her sweat on it.

“Ugh!” I forcefully threw the towel into the laundry basket. “Don’t be so fucking pathetic! It looks awful on you!” with my frustration I could feel my power crackling in my fingers, wanting to be used. I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself down, then, grumbling, reached over to the pile of white towels to dry my hair.

#

We wandered slowly back into the apartment, having just sentenced four people to the empty world. Tomorrow, we were going to be meeting with the Wardens to talk to Colt, Love Lost, and others who were currently in the new Wardens HQ bunker on whatever alternate world Kenzie had linked up.  
  
I was never going to have children, I’d decided that even before the Boston Games, but Kenzie? That girl pulled at whatever maternal instinct I had left after my own childhood alone. I didn’t consider motherliness a weakness, but my experiences with my own mother had been … complicated.

Victoria flopped on the couch and stared off into the swirls of the popcorn plaster ceiling. I started the kettle and readied two cups of lemon ginger tea. The kettle, adapted from tinker tech, was fast to boil, and I filled the two vessels to just below the brim and put them on a tray to take out. I didn’t trust my hands at this time of night, not after a heavy day like this.

“Do you think we did the right thing?” Victoria asked from the living room.

“There will always be people who question your decisions,” I said, bringing the tray in and laying it on the coffee table. “You need to be confident in the choices you make, and live with their consequences.” Victoria had put her hair up in a messy bun, and taken her arms out of her coat. The fitted white long sleeve top she wore underneath it followed her body like it was tailored to fit.

“In person?” Victoria took her cup and blew on it, “Sure. And I did. When the time came, I didn’t flinch.”

“Except for Drillbit.” I took my own cup and sat on the couch next to her. 

“He was always a bit complicated, but I had to make the call anyway.”

“You did,” I took a sip, then put the cup back on the tray. Best not to take any chances with my hands.

“But it’s still eating at me.”

“It’s done now,” I said. “You can’t change it. You made the most reasonable choice with the information you had. I would have destroyed Copse myself, frankly.”

“I think that would have been wrong.”

“Mmm, which is why you let her live,” I took up my cup again. “Very merciful. Maybe a little weak, but there are worse decisions.”

Thanks?” she said. “I think?”

“You’re welcome,” I nodded. We both sipped at our beverages in silence.

“So,” I started, “You got to see Anelace?”

“Hm?” she questioned.” Oh, yeah.”

“You like him, right?”

“I’m not sure if ‘like’ is even the right word?” Victoria said. “And like, there’s just a ton of baggage over Dean, and … I don’t know, it’s too complicated to deal with.”

“He seems … not entirely without merit.” I did my best to be diplomatic.

“High praise, coming from you.”

“I have discerning tastes.”

“Speaking of people who need to get back on the horse,” She turned the subject around, “There hasn’t been anyone in your life for a while.”

“It’s hard when one lives with their sister, who is also a clone, but not quite.”

“Well now you’ve lost that excuse, what say we try to find you a nice … boy? Girl?” She looked at me, appraisingly.

“Either, really,” I replied, trying not to let the warmth in my chest show through, “though I prefer a more feminine touch for the most part.” I looked at her, “I thought you knew that.”

“Why would you think I knew?" Victoria looked confused. "Did we talk about it, and I've forgotten?”

“No, but just this morning you used a towel to protect your modesty as you stood up,” I said. “That's kind of the behaviour of someone who thinks the person looking would be interested in what they saw.”

“Oh,” Victoria blushed. “No, it’s not … Sorry, that’s not about you, that’s just me and body stuff. I’m not always comfortable with the body I’m wearing, you know?”

I flexed my wrists, a twinge of pain coming from the left one. “I do.”

“Did Rain look at those? You said they were hurting earlier.”

“No time,” I said. “We set up a time before we go to the new Warden HQ tomorrow.”

“Here,” Victoria gestured. I offered my arms, and she took them in her own hands and started massaging near the joint. It felt soothing for more than one reason.

“Careful,” I said, “I wouldn’t want to blast you.”

“I trust you,” she said softly.

“Dangerous strategy.”

“I literally punch superpowered people for a living,” She continued to massage my arms.

“I included that in my judgement,” I continued to enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Hope you've liked this so far. This is my second attempt at writing fanfic, but I'm a published poet as well as writing various shorts and working on my first novel.
> 
> If you liked this work, say so! leave a comment or a kudos. If you really liked it, buy me a Ko-Fi. 
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/coffeesp00ns
> 
> I've got another chapter in the can, and another in-progress. I'm hoping we'll max out at something around six chapters. Of course, the best-laid plans of mice and men, and all, but that's mostly just to say I do not intend fo this to turn into a 30 chapter long, sweeping epic.
> 
> This has been a fun diversion to write. Hopefully it's fun to read as well.
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> 'sp00ns


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to Ashley Stillons pines for, and gets mixed signals from, Victoria Dallon. I promise we'll get past pining and onto confrontation soon enough.
> 
> Please remember that while this work attempts to steer as close to canon as is reasonable, it does necessarily break from the script, otherwise these conversations couldn't happen.
> 
> Enjoy the barbeque.

Victoria dropped a greasy paper bag on the table in front of me. “Got you some, while we were out.”

“Some of … what?” I prodded at the bag with my fork. It was starting to become opaque in places.

“Roadkill.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“It’s a barbeque place that Chicken Little likes,” She said. “Tattletale took him with us while we were investigating, and part of our payment to Lookout’s new team was stopping there to pick up dinner.”

“The name does not inspire confidence,” I continued to eye the bag with suspicion, as Victoria opened hers and took out a pulled pork sandwich and coleslaw.

“That was my thought as well, but it smells good. Do you want my pickle?” she offered the spear across the table, and I took it. It, at least, looked no different than your average half-sour restaurant pickle. 

I took a bite, pleased by the sweet and sour combination, and said “What were you investigating? Does this have to do with why Jessica spoke with you separately, earlier?”

Victoria paused in her chewing, then swallowed. “Yes, it does.”

“What is it?”

“It’s complicated,” She said “I’m trying to keep it quiet for now, because it involves a lot of misinformation. I went to Tattletale because I’m hoping she can help me sort it out.”

I frowned. I didn’t like the thought of information being held back from me. I wanted that sense of control, needed it, and to be in control I needed to know where dangers were coming from. Jessica had seemed cagey when she had spoken with the therapy group, and some of her questions had been leading, but not in the same patient-focused way. She’d been looking for information of her own, I just didn’t know what.

Victoria noticed, and reached a hand across the table to touch mine, “I’ll tell you as soon as I think it’s safe, okay?”

I looked at her hand, touching mine. She looked, realized what she’d done, and pulled her hand away. 

“You need to be careful,” I said, feeling the ghost of her hand on mine.

“Yeah, sorry,” She said, rubbing her hands together. “I don’t want to lose an arm.”

“... Right.”

I unpacked the bag in front of me, pulling out my own sandwich and coleslaw. There were a few small containers of sauce.

“I wasn’t sure which kind of sauce you liked,” Victoria spoke up, “so I got a few different kinds. They had a sweet barbeque sauce, a vinegary one, and a mustard-based one. They sort of try to cover all of the bases of Earth Bet’s Southern cuisine.”

“Which one do you have on yours?”

“I’ve always liked sweet sauce on my pulled pork, and this one’s got a bit of smokiness, too. It’s pretty good.”

I opened the bun and poured some of her recommended sauce onto the meat, then closed it up and took a bite. I savoured the combination of flavours and hummed in appreciation.

“Good, right?” She said, and I nodded definitively. We ate in silence for a while, one that was not as comfortable as usual.

“So, Sveta and Weld,” She said. She felt the discomfort too and was trying to fill the gap. 

“I won’t say that I didn’t see it coming, from the way she’s spoken about things lately,” I said, taking her conversational serve and returning it. “I just didn’t think it would be so soon, or quite so ... explosive.”

“I had seen signs,” she agreed, “But I hoped that they would work out. For Sveta’s sake, at least.” She rubbed her eyes, “Gosh, what a fucking mess that is.”

“She’s still coming here, right? After she grabs her things from the apartment?”

“Yeah. Are you sure about sleeping on the couch?”

“Of course. I suggested it.”

“I know, I just wanted to be sure,” She paused, chewing her lip. “The worst part is that it feels like it’s part of a bigger something, that same something I can’t talk about.” 

“It’s connected to Weld emotionally cheating on Sveta?” I raised an eyebrow and dabbed at some sauce on the corner of my mouth. Barbeque was not easy to eat cleanly, or primly.

“It’s, well, It feels like it’s related to the event of Sveta finding out that Weld was … I still don’t feel like cheating is really the right word.”

“He was getting emotionally attached to another woman, while also losing emotional attachment to his girlfriend,” I said brusquely. “It’s at the very least shitty, if not outright cheating.”

“Ok, but does that mean that like, you can’t have friends who you’re attracted to?” Victoria asked, “Because I feel like that goes down that road.”

“Of course you can,” I said reflexively, “Otherwise we couldn’t be friends.” 

_ Oh shit, I didn’t mean to say that. _

I pushed on, hoping she didn’t notice. “But if they have a partner, you need to set reasonable boundaries, and those pictures …”

“Yeah,” Victoria deflated. “ I don’t even really want to be defending him, it’s just, I know him, and he’s not an asshole or anything. I do think he cares about Sveta.”

“Sometimes caring is not enough,” I said. “Just like sometimes finding someone attractive isn’t enough.” Victoria nodded in response.

“How was working with Tattletale?” I asked, changing the subject.

“It was an experience,” Victoria said. 

“I can imagine.”

“She’s a bitch, but, I kind of like it?” She said. “At least, I understand it as a defence mechanism. But hanging out with her was like hanging out with Crystal, in some ways. She knows me as well as I know myself, maybe better. But Crystal earned that, Tattletale didn’t, so there’s a weirdness about it.” She leaned back in her seat. “Plus, it feels like I’m in a weird divorced parent relationship with her because of Kenzie’s place with her new group.”

I smirked at that. “If you and she are Kenzie’s divorced parents, what am I?”

“Third mom? Cool aunt?” she had a joking, thoughtful look on her face. “The new girlfriend of one of the moms?”

“You could do worse than me, that’s for certain,” I said, attempting to laugh off the implication that had twisted in my gut. I could feel my power itching in my fingers, and took a few slow breaths to calm down.

“Ugh, I’ve had enough poking at that wound today,” She said.

“What do you mean?”

“In our investigation, we had to meet with Foresight, and Anelace was there. He, uh,” Victoria grimaced, “not-so-subtly asked me out at the end of our discussion.”

My fingers twitched irritably, “That’s crude. I take back my previous assessment of him.”

“Not you, too!” She scrunched up her napkin in mock rage. “Even Chicken Little said that I could do better. He’s like, thirteen! They made fun of me the entire time we were in the car on the way to our next spot.”

“Deserved, frankly.” I finished my sandwich and began poking at the coleslaw. It was a distressing pastel green colour that was best left for hospital hallways. I pushed it away.

Victoria’s phone vibrated on the table. She looked at the call screen and wiped her hands. “Speak of the devil, and they shall appear.”

“Anelace?”

“Tattletale,” she said before answering the call. “Hello?” A pause. “I’m supposed to go with Swansong to get Sveta.” another pause. “Mission-critical? Well, one second.” She turned to me, “can you get Sveta on your own? It sounds like this thing I was investigating is starting blow up.” I nodded, and she smiled in thanks, then returned to the conversation, “Ok, we’re good to go. Where do you want me to meet you?” a pause again, and she looked up at me again, “She says we need to go dark, radio silent, so maybe text Sveta now and go get her soon?”

“Radio silent?” I asked, “Why?”

“She’s worried the people we’re investigating might notice we’re on the hunt, and start enacting other measures. She’s already talked to Weld and the kids.”

“Okay,” This was starting to get worrisome. I pulled out my own phone and texted Sveta about the meetup, and also told her about the situation. In the meantime, Victoria finished her call and was cleaning up the table.

“I’ve arranged meeting up with Sveta, and she’s turned her phone off,” I said.

“Ok, you should, too,” She said. “I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Tattletale on the way to one of the Portals. We’re going to the Lodge.”

“Ah,” I said. “If you see my sister-”

“I’ll certainly say hello. She was my roommate too, you know.”

“I was going to tell you to ignore her, because she’s likely wrapped up in the wrong end of whatever this is if it was possible for her to do so.”

“I doubt it. It’s not explosive enough for her,” She gave me a quick hug, and I could feel the warmth in it. “Talk to you as soon as I can, okay?”

“Okay.”

I watched her rush out the door. I locked it behind her, then went to get myself ready to go get Sveta. My own phone blipped with a message. I’d forgotten to turn it off. I took it out of my pocket, and looked at it - it was Kenzie.

_ Wait for Victoria to leave before you read this. _

_I know we’re supposed to be on blackout so don’t be mad but I found something in the computer backups from the old HQ that you should see._  
  
There was a file attached. V_Diary_pgs_60-79 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Hope you've liked this so far. This is my second attempt at writing fanfic, but I'm a published poet as well as writing various shorts and working on my first novel.
> 
> If you liked this work, say so! leave a comment or a kudos. If you really liked it, buy me a Ko-Fi.
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/coffeesp00ns
> 
> I'm doing in-story research for the next chapter as of now. I don't expect it to come out until at least next weekend, even if I finish it before then. I don't want to set a goal and miss it.
> 
> This continues to be a fun diversion to write. Glad you've seen fit to continue reading.
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> 'sp00ns


	3. Chapter 3

The walk to Sveta’s now-former apartment was wet and cold, and the sidewalks were mostly barren. The weather, combined with the time of evening meant that anyone without a serious reason to be outside had long vacated the streets. Whatever was falling from the sky hadn’t decided whether or not it was rain or snow. 

Stratford was a weird little area of the City. I had no idea how it had gotten its name - maybe the people building it up had originally wanted a theatre district to go here, a nod to the Bard, but it had never happened. At this point the origin of the name was irrelevant, and it was mostly mid-rise apartments, with a few small restaurants, coffee shops and corner stores on major streets. I was mostly just glad that the wind wasn’t too strong, and it wasn’t coming from the direction of the Bay. I adjusted the hood on my coat, its fake fur edging tingling on my ears as I fidgeted with it. 

This was miserable. I was regretting my decision to not wait for the bus, but it wasn’t supposed to show up for another twenty minutes. Since the new portals had popped up schedules had been a bit more like suggestions than hard arrival times anyway. I cursed the inconvenience, despite knowing it was not any one person’s ‘fault’, and pulled my coat closer around me. I was glad to have taken the suggestion from Victoria, that it should be more practical and warm, than listening to my dear sister, who had been insistent that this one didn’t have enough ‘flair.’ I had been swayed, but in the end, Victoria’s comment that flair “wouldn’t keep me warm at minus fifteen” convinced me.

Victoria.

I didn’t really know what to think about Victoria, right now. We’d just been told that there was likely to be a lot of misinformation, a lot of things that would be changed just so, to make it sound like it was true but wasn’t. But what did misinformation mean in this context? Was it that the diary was fake? That the words had been altered? Which words? 

Those words?

I shook my head, and drops of water rained off of my hood. I walked up the steps towards Sveta’s apartment building. I should have held the railing, but I could feel my power buzzing inside my hands and fingers, so I walked up the centre of the staircase. I hadn’t felt this twitchy since … maybe since our first outing, before Hollow Point, when we’d split into teams and done a mock fight. I’d wanted to prove myself so badly, show my skill, show off for the pretty girl who was, at that point, just supposed to be a team advisor. I’d failed to win, and it had hit hard. I’d lashed out then. I wanted to do it again, let all of this rage, and fury, and confusion out. Destroy a fire hydrant, maybe. Or a small building.

I hit the call buzzer with my elbow, more forcefully than was necessary. Instead of answering it, Sveta walked out the door, using several tentacles to push open the door ahead of her, and more to carry her bags. She only had three. I looked at the bags, then her, a question in my gaze.

“I just brought clothes and my pillow,” She said. “I didn’t want to take up too much space in the apartment.”

“You could have brought more.”

“I know. Maybe I’ll get more in a few days,” she shrugged. “My art supplies, for sure, but that was too much to carry.”

“Would you like me to take a bag?”

She nodded.

“I think a backpack would be best. I,” I took a deep breath, “I don’t trust my hands very much right now.”

“I can relate to that,” She said. “What’s wrong?” As she helped me into the backpack’s straps, I told her about the diary pages I’d gotten from Kenzie. “Okay, but you know that that could be fake, right?” She adjusted my hood so that it wasn’t caught under the bag’s straps. “Even the text from Kenzie could be fake.”

“I know, I know, It’s just,” I knotted my forehead, “ there are … things, in the diary, that I want to know the truth of, or the lie of.”

After pausing while we made our way down the stairs and onto the street, she asked, “Is this about you and Vic-” 

“Yes,” I bit off. Admitting weakness. 

She was slow to start again, focusing on moving with her tentacles, looking like a kendo martial artist in her floating grace. “I know we’ve never really talked about this, but I’ve noticed how you act around her. You’ve called me sister before, and I understand the importance of that, so i’m going to be as open as I can be,” She chewed her lip. “I don’t know about Victoria. Her sister did a lot of damage to the emotional part of her, and there were … things. Bad things, that happened while they were together, before the hospital. It’s not my story to tell.”

“Her sister is almost as monstrous as I am.” 

“I’d take you over her any day, even at your worst,” She shook her head as she said it. “At least you’re honest with yourself about what you’ve done, what you’re capable of doing.”

“Mmm,” I nodded.

“The point is,” she said as we waited at an intersection for a crossing signal, “I’ve seen her look at a few people, mostly guys,” I winced at that, “but I don’t know how far those thoughts even go, you know? I don’t know how ready she is for anything.”

“We’re all broken people,” I said, moving as the crossing signal turned to green. “We have been for a lot longer than just after Gold Morning. Our powers damage us, our psyche. I have other people’s memories, not just my old self’s. We’re all a mess.”

Sveta nodded. “Some of us are bigger messes than others. I think Victoria might be one of those.”

“I know that I am,” I said, “I’m just looking for someone to be broken with.”

“I want that for you,” she said, “Really I do. I want that for me. I thought I had it.”

The sleet had left slushy puddles on the ground. I trod in one, and my foot shape was captured in suspended animation, a ridge of pushed out material, like a crater impact. We walked the last few blocks in silence, hunched against the worsening storm.

As we turned onto my block, I asked, “Should I say nothing? Pretend I saw nothing? It seems safest.”

Sveta continued on for a moment, thoughtful, then said, “I think you need to clear the air. But I also think you need to be ready for an answer you don’t want to hear.”

I sighed. Nothing about this situation felt good. WIthhold information, like Victoria was withholding information? Or ask and maybe get information I don’t like? The worst part was the lack of control I had in the situation. If I was the one in control of the situation, if I could the outcomes... 

No such luck.

As we approached the apartment, and I prepared to put my key in the lock, a van rolled up behind us.

“Get in losers,” Came a voice, “we’re going shopping.”

I turned, arm out, power ready to demolish the entire van if necessary.

“I always wanted to say that,” Imp sat in the front passenger seat while Tristan opened the sliding door. 

“I told her it was a bad idea,” Tristan hopped out and gestured for us to get in. “Change of plans, we’re all meeting in a central location.” I could see Rain in the back, head against a window.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Imp said. “Boethius would be having a field day.”

“Can we at least drop my bags inside?” Sveta asked

“Don’t take long,” Tristan said, “We’re on a time limit. Things are moving fast.”

We hustled into the apartment and dropped Sveta’s bags in my room, then made our way back downstairs as quickly as we could. We hopped into the van and were speeding off down the street in a matter of seconds.

“Kenzie?” I asked Tristan.

“She’s with the rest of her team,” Imp said before he could respond. “Bitch is watching them. They’re still on radio silence, but they know where we’re headed.”

“She’s safe?”

“No less unsafe than usual. She does work with a bunch of the Heartbroken.”

I nodded. Sveta engaged Tristan in conversation, and I stared out the window at the passing streets. I wondered if I would even get a chance to ask Victoria about the diary before we were thrown into another situation that took all our attention. I hoped so. I needed an answer.

Now more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Hope you've liked this so far. This is my second attempt at writing fanfic, but I'm a published poet as well as writing various shorts and working on my first novel.
> 
> If you liked this work, say so! leave a comment or a kudos. If you really liked it, buy me a Ko-Fi.
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/coffeesp00ns
> 
> A special thanks to folks on both the Parahumans official and unofficial discord, who helped me out by directing me to where I'd find some Sveta/Swansong conversation bits. Writing this chapter helped show me how similar the two of them really are - both desire control over their body, and their power, with a pretty rogue Shard in their brain.
> 
> If you like WLW romance, and the Friends to Lovers trope (which, if you're reading this fic, you probably do), then I have a romantic, smutty short for sale for $2 now over on Gumroad called "Adagio, then, Piu Mosso". Check it out here: https://gumroad.com/l/XrUNd
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> 'sp00ns


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we've hit the confrontation. 
> 
> This ended up different on the page than it was in my head, but I think I like it better the way I came out.

There had been nonstop activity since Sveta, Byron, Rain and I had walked through the portal to the Wardens’ bunker. Individual interviews with lie detectors, a large group presentation that summed up all of the bulk, need-to-know information that had come to light in the past day, and then a smaller group meeting to fill a select few in on more specific information that was more tightly controlled.

Victoria’s diary, The photos in Weld’s phone, Ratcatcher and Big Picture, and the attempts to push public opinion of heroes. The Case Twelve siphoning information from villains by feeding them bits of himself. Dragon, an AI so advanced that she had a passenger, and had triggered.

The closest I’d gotten to Victoria was across a table in the group presentation, where she’d given me a soft wave of her fingers. She’d looked troubled, and had to leave partway through. Sveta had followed her to make sure she was okay, motioning to me to stay. I tried to keep my attention on the presentation, but my gaze returned to the door they’d left by, again and again.

After the meetings, I searched for the pair of them while Rain waited for access to the tinker workshop. If anything, my hands had degraded after my trip outside - the left index finger was twitching, and there was a grinding sensation if I rotated my right hand too quickly. Worse, the dampening and focusing effect they were supposed to have on my powers didn’t seem to be as effective as usual. My power was a constant buzzing in my palms and the inside of my wrists, like an itch I couldn’t scratch.

“Sit still,” chided Rain as he picked at one of the servos that controlled my finger, “I’m bad enough at this as it is.” 

“I could vaporize your head right now. Take care how you speak to me.”

He leaned back, glancing at me with an affronted look, then turned his eyes back to the task. “Okay, lady, whatever you say. I just work here.” He brought down a magnifying lens to get a closer look at the open mass of wires and mechanisms that presented itself when he opened the service door on my palm.

I sighed. “I’m sorry, that was … ill-done of me. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean I have to say it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’ve had way worse thrown at me in the dream room.” He shut the little panel. “Listen, I can work on the other one later. I’ll barter for time with one of the other Tinkers,” he made a shoo-ing motion with his screwdriver. “Get out of here.”

“Did you just … ‘Shoo’ me away?” I couldn’t believe the nerve.

“Go,” He said. “She’s over with Sveta near the cells.”

I pretended not to know who he meant. “Who is?”

“Listen,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I have literally no place to be giving anyone advice in this area considering the clusterfuck that is my emotional and romantic life, but, just talk to her or something,” He pointed to my right hand. “Before you blow something up.”

I sat stunned for a moment. It was so obvious that even Rain had figured out something was up. Rain, whose upbringing had made him functionally oblivious. Rain, who could barely make heads or tails of the fact that he was attracted to both Erin and Lachlan. 

I stood up and grabbed my bag with my left hand, slinging it onto my shoulder. 

“I’ll consider it,” I said as I swept out of the room.

#

We didn’t get a silent moment until we were waiting for news about Sveta’s first operation with Mr. Bough. There was no real “waiting room”, per se, in the operating theatre at the Warden’s Bunker, so Victoria and I waited in a modest room not too far from the makeshift hospital that had been set up as a sort of casual meeting area. Lots of chairs, a couch, one or two low tables. All it needed was a vending machine or two to look like an office break room.

Victoria slumped on the couch, and I followed, sitting a safe distance away. Not so close as to be in her space, not so distant as to seem stand-offish. 

_Oh, the delicate balances we weave._

“I’m so tired,” She said. “Not physically, just like, everything else.”

“Understandable, frankly,” I said. “I imagine these last few days have been a harrowing experience.”

“More than just the past few days. It’s felt like everything has been piling up, or … like if I had a bag, and I put something inside it, something light like a piece of paper. And I tested the weight, figured ‘this is fine’, and threw in more and more pieces of paper. Now, I’m trying to lift the bag, and it’s so heavy I can barely get it off the ground.”

I nodded, and she continued.

“And I feel like I’ve been so caught up in my own shit that I’ve been a bad friend. A bad friend to Sveta, to you. I want to support you both as best I can, do good things for you.”

“You can start by using the white towels,” I replied simply. “Doing the dishes more often would be a plus.”

“Glad to hear you’re so easily pleased,” She said and slumped against me.

“Never,” I said. “I just meant that those would suffice as a beginning.”

She turned her head to me. “Is there something I can do, though? There are times where I feel like you might be mad at me, or that I’ve done something wrong but you’re not saying. Are we … Okay? You and I?”

I glanced at her, then closed my eyes, biting my lip. To her credit, she didn’t push me, she let me take my time. This was the best opening I could reasonably hope for, even if it wasn’t the greatest time.

“Victoria, I,” I started, then reset. “I need to know something.”

“Ask. We’re currently experiencing the worst-case scenario of what happens when people keep secrets.”

“I read a part of the diary. Kenzie sent it to me, or at least the message said it was sent from Kenzie.”

“Ash, the diary is-”

“A lie, I know,” I cut in. “Please let me finish.” I looked at her, and she nodded, so I continued. “She sent me the part about ... non-platonic subtext.” I held her gaze. “Is it true?”

She visibly paled. “Ash, the diary, it’s fake.”

“Ok, but what part is fake? Is all of it fake? Are there parts that are true, but twisted?”

She leaned away, back against the arm of the couch. “It’s complicated-”

“It’s not that complicated,” I snapped. I could feel pressure behind my eyes. “Is it true?”

“It’s like a funhouse mirror, Ash,” She replied hurriedly, hands out in a pacifying way, “It’s like someone twisted how I feel in the worst way.

“And how do you feel?” I could feel my entire body itching. “Because I have felt … things. From you. And I don’t know if it’s real, and the not knowing, the not having control over the situation, is driving me mad.”

“I, I ... It’s-”

I screamed in rage, and I gestured with my left hand. My power let loose, out of control, and a nearby coffee table half vaporized, the other half being ejected across the room in pin-sized splinters. “Just spit it out!” I screamed, jumping to my feet. This was my worst nightmare, rejection. Weakness.

“ I don’t know!” She screamed back, and I felt her push out with her aura. I rankled underneath it. I lashed out with my right hand, demolishing the far end of the sofa.

“Don’t you dare use that power on me!” I was seeing red. “I can tear you apart with a gesture, I can break you down into the smallest bits of matter and scatter you to the wind!” a table lamp was my next victim. “Just tell me how you feel! Say it!” 

“How I feel?!” Victoria was hovering just above the ground now. “Right now, you’re pissing me off, and you’re scaring the shit out of me.”

The pressure behind my eyes lessened, and, breathing hard, I looked around to see the mess I’d created. I dropped to my knees. “I’m sorry.” 

She floated over to me. “Ashley,”

I shuffled back, “I don’t know if I’m safe.”

“I trust you.” She came forward again.

“I don’t know if you should,” my head was bowed as my eyes swept the floor. “It’s no wonder you don’t feel the same way.”

“The same way?” Victoria asked. I nodded. Understanding filled her eyes, a switch being flipped on. “Ashley,” she knelt in front of me, and put a hand under my chin, making me look at her. “I really don’t know, but it’s nothing about you. When Amy, “ I saw her swallow, close her eyes for a moment. “She did things. Things that make me question every feeling I have towards another person. She broke me, and what she did makes me unsure of every step I take.”

“Victoria,” I said, but my words ran out. My body still vibrated with power, and there were intermittent sparks at my fingertips.

“So I told you I don’t know,” she continued, “because I don’t. I think every interpersonal relationship I have is going to be like that for a long time. But I’ll tell you one thing, right now.” She moved her hand to my cheek, which was wet with tears. My eyes stung as I kept her gaze. “I might not know, but I’m interested in finding out.”

She kissed me, and I felt the fullness of her lips crash into mine. I could taste her in every motion, and I could feel her hand move to the back of my head as I deepened the kiss.

For the first time in what felt like months, my body and mind felt gloriously silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this house we stan a bisexual Rain.
> 
> Hope you liked this. If you'd like something smutty in the next chapter for this fic, let me know in the comments or in the #fanfic-literature channel of the unofficial parahumans discord (I mostly hang there). After that, it's one more final chapter to round it off, and then this little fic will be at an end. It was always going to be a contained story.
> 
> ###
> 
> Hi!
> 
> Hope you've liked this so far. This is my second attempt at writing fanfic, but I'm a published poet as well as writing various shorts and working on my first novel.
> 
> If you liked this work, say so! leave a comment or a kudos. If you really liked it, buy me a Ko-Fi.
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/coffeesp00ns
> 
> If you like WLW romance, and the Friends to Lovers trope (which, if you're reading this fic, you probably do), then I have a romantic, smutty short for sale for $2 now over on Gumroad called "Adagio, then, Piu Mosso". Check it out here: https://gumroad.com/l/XrUNd
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> 'sp00ns


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end. Thanks for coming with me on the journey. I learned a lot about the original Ward story while I did research for this fic, and it gave me a lot of respect for the character development in it.
> 
> This one jumps around quite a bit. each hashtag denotes a scene change.
> 
> I'm really happy with some of the writing in this, and I hope that the conclusion I brought it to is satisfactory for those who were torn up about Swansong's fate in-canon.
> 
> Enjoy,
> 
> 'sp00ns

This morning had started so nicely. There was a certain comfort to watching Victoria snore in the early morning light. 

A bullet whizzed past my ear. I twitched in annoyance, and jumped forward, attacking one of the Teacher drones. He dodged and struck me in the ribs, hard, but I propelled myself backward with a blast and vanished down a hole in the floor. The man followed, pressing an advantage that I’d let him think he had. He tried to strike me in the body again and I leaned to the side to avoid it, kicking the side of his knee. He screamed in agony but still held enough sense to try to counter as he fell sideways. I hit his other leg with my hand, and my power flared out, leaving a stump just above the knee.

I hadn’t meant to do that, but I couldn’t say it wasn’t convenient. I left the man blacked out from the pain as I trudged back up the stairs to the room above.

“You should watch your aim, little brother,” I shot to the Harbinger as I wiped the blood from my temple.

“My aim was just fine,” the small boy scoffed. “It’s just a scratch.”

I cleaned the area with a swab from my med kit as Sveta and the boy argued. They made an odd pair, but they did work well together. 

Opposites attract, after all. In my case, that attraction was to someone who might as well be a paladin on a holy quest to save the world, and I was a sorceress, a hurtling ball of destruction that would ruin anything that piqued my rage.  Damn paladins, always going off to do something noble, maybe get themselves killed. What’s a girl to do but follow after and make sure no enemy got close enough to touch that fragile armour?

“We’re headed up,” Sveta said, indicating a set of stairs with an exit sign above them, “You need to keep going in.”

I nodded, verified I still had the syringes. I knew my role.

“Are you okay to go? Need anything?” she tilted her head.

“Do you have anything you could give me if I did?” I asked.

“A hug.”

“I’ll take it.”

I embraced my sister. It was quick, we were on a time limit. “Take care,” I said.

“You too,” she said. “Stay safe.” They walked up the stairs, and I took a hallway to the left, Kenzie’s tech illuminating a tiny map portion and a directional indicator in my eye.

It was cool here, and I shivered. I was definitely missing my bed.

#

“What do you think about, when you look at the stars?” I could feel the vibrations of her voice through her chest and my head lay on it.

“It varies. Sometimes I look at them and see the space between Agents, that area that haunts my dreams. When they wink, it feels like they’re talking to each other.”

“Mmm.”

“Just ‘mmm’?” I wrapped her arm over my chest. She massaged my scalp with her other hand.

“I think they remind me of similar things, but in different ways. Connection.” a pause. “They feel old, ancient and timeless.”

#

My power misfired, and I landed on my shoulder. I skidded, instead of rolling as I should, and I could feel the friction burn on my face as it dragged across the floor.

I looked down. My right arm was gone below the elbow. The left had no prosthetic left, just a jagged bar with bits of Spawner attached. Whatever Ingenue had done in giving my power back had made it stronger, fiercer, angrier. It also meant that it was eating me, consuming me to feed its fire.

I considered it a worthy sacrifice.

_ Sacrifice? Who’s the paladin now, sorceress? _

Oh, this sacrifice wasn’t noble. It was spiteful. I would push a big red button of mutually assured destruction if I knew that Ingenue would be on the other side. I was furious that such a specious little insect, such a cockroach of a person had broken me like this. But every cockroach knows that when faced with flame, they just needed to hunker down, become less, and wait for the fire to burn out. 

I’d given the yellow costumed cape and the white costumed cape everything I’d had left. The full syringe, the broken syringe, and Kenzie’s eye tech.

_ Good luck, little one. Let those around you help you, for once. Don’t try to fix it all on your own. _

I wasn’t afraid of death. Death and I had danced many times, trading dance partners with other versions of me. One original, eight created of a new womb that connected us, stuffed with half-created memories and misremembered truths. I could die again, if it would keep Kenzie alive. If it would keep Victoria alive. I would endure.

“I thought I’d go out screaming and ranting,” I said to the boy in white. “Almost always have, except for the first time.”

“You said you had a friend?”

I nodded. “Glad it was me. Means there’s less a chance it’s her. I can handle this. Been there enough times.”   


“You think you’d learn.” 

I scoffed, which ached. “Yeah.”

They walked away, moving back to their group. I dragged myself towards the ladder that would pull me up towards Ingenue. Everything hurt. The stump where my arm had been was raw underneath the charred flesh, and it sang as I hauled myself toward the ladder. I used the rungs to pull myself to my feet, then looked up. Ingenue was retreating, the four other capes who’d been with her outpacing her stride.

She was alone.

I blasted with my shorter arm, and propelled myself up to the catwalk, swaying as I landed in front of her. She stopped in her tracks, wide-eyed, and I pointed my more whole arm at her and released.

Nothing happened. I howled in rage at the smirk on her face and lunged, no powered propulsion, right for her. We tumbled to the floor, Ingenue’s head and shoulders off the edge of the catwalk. I started to beat her with the ragged stump that would reach her, again and again.

“You think that I need my power to ruin a worm like you?” I heckled. “You’re nothing. You disgust me.”

As she screamed under my assault, I felt her take a different tack with her power. Now my own power was on all the time. I flew back, propelled against the guard wire before I could compensate, and I slumped to the metal below me. Ingenue made her way to her feet and started to slowly slump away, her balance ruined by her head injury.

#

I slumped down the hallway, drying my hair with a towel as I headed toward my room. Our room. Nominally I was still sleeping on the couch and Sveta had taken my old room, but I hadn’t actually slept on the couch at all. Victoria’s bed was big enough for two.

We still didn’t really have a label for what we were for each other. More than friends. More than platonic. The thing about broken people is that relationships don’t fit into norms. Things that might normally move fast could be slow, things that are normally slow could be fast, or could be more gradual, or could be tectonically slow. There were no guidelines, no marked paths. You had to find your own way. 

That was just fine with the two of us.

I opened the door and Victoria was reading on her phone, lying overtop of the covers.

“What are you reading?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe in my bathrobe. She looked up and blushed.

“Nothing important,” she said, putting her phone away. “Are you coming to bed?”

I nodded and walked into the room as she folded back the sheets and comforter. I took the side next to the wall. I liked the security, that it felt like I didn’t need to watch my back. “No, keep reading," I said, "tell me what it’s about.” I grabbed a pillow in my hands and wrapped my legs around Victoria’s hips when she lay down next to me.

She smiled and picked her phone back up. “It’s about advances in non-tinker prosthetics and the varying levels of ability parahumans have interacting through them with their powers.”

“My prosthetics are more than sufficient, thank you for asking,” I said with mock seriousness.

“Of course!” she said hurriedly, “But it started me thinking. Like, you can’t be the only parahuman who has to deal with prosthetics, right? So what do they do? Not everyone has someone like Rain to keep a tinker prosthetic working.”

She was so enrapturing when she was excited. “Read it to me,” I said, snuggling in with pillow in hand, closing my eyes to listen.

#

I cut the guy-wire that held the catwalk in place and severed our portion away. Unsupported, the metal construction yawned downwards. Ingenue faltered and fell backwards, sliding down the diamond steel floor. She grasped onto the rail with all her strength, fear in her eyes.

Both my arms were gone. I could feel my power burning into my shoulder blades, making my body thin. I didn’t have much time left. I slumped over top of her and stared her in the face.

“Have you died before, cockroach?” I smiled.

“Please, let me go,” There was a damp spot on her pants.

“I have,” I said, ignoring her plea. “I know where to go, what to do. I’ll make it back by the low road. Will you?”

“You’re insane!”

“I’m driven. And you know what drives me?”

She began to cry.

“There’s someone for me to come back for this time. Someone who’ll be waiting for me when I get back.”

I felt my power reach my organs. I screamed in rage, and pain and grief as my body ate itself up from the inside, taking Ingenue with it.

I died.

#

_ Destination. _

_ Agreement.  
  
_

_ Question. _

_ Concern. _

_ Constellation. _

_ Trajectory. _

_ Communication. _

__ Agreement.  
  


_ Danger. _

_ Confident. _

_ Concern. _

_ Concern. _

_ Concern. _

_ Destination. _

_ Destination? _

_ Revision. _

_ Concern. _

_ Confident. _

_ # _

“When most people say they have a dream partner, they’re speaking metaphorically.” Victoria lay on the grassy hill, gazing up at the clouds.

“Are you saying I’m metaphorical? That’s very rude.”

“No, Never. You’re certainly more than metaphorical. For one, you can argue with me in addition to the other way around.” 

“A literary joke? I’m disappointed.”

Victoria laughed and adjusted the device that sat around her ear. It looked like a boxier version of a Bluetooth device. Kenzie’s tech, allowing us to speak.

“What do you do during the day, when we’re not talking?”

“I explore this place. I’m doing it right now. Finding pathways, learning the geometry, making connections. I talk with Kenzie, and ensure she’s not working overtime on the solution for Tristan and me.”

“She misses you,” Victoria said. “It’s hard to keep her together sometimes, keep her on track.” a pause, “I miss you too.”

“That’s unreasonable of you,” I said. “You see me every night.”

“In the dream space, sure,” she countered. “I don’t know what I’d do without it, but it’s not the same.”

“I know.”

She gripped some of the grass. “I’m patient, but it will be so good to see you again. Just to see you, even if I can’t touch you, would be a gift.”

“It’s a little different for me because the dream room feels as real as anything for me, but interacting with the real world again would be nice. Seeing Kenzie, seeing a flesh and blood you.”

An alarm beeped on Victoria’s wrist, and she groaned. “I’m sorry, I have to go. Lunch break is over and I have another class to teach.”

“See you when you get back.”

“Mmm. bye for now.”

In a few hours, we’d see each other again. A door would appear, in the geometry, and I would walk in, leaning my shoulder on the door, and ask, “What are you reading?”

Soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Hope you've liked this contained fanfiction of Wildbow's parahumans universe. This is my second attempt at writing fanfic, but I'm a published poet as well as writing various shorts and working on my first novel.
> 
> If you liked this work, say so! leave a comment or a kudos. If you really liked it, buy me a Ko-Fi.
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/coffeesp00ns
> 
> If you like WLW romance, and the Friends to Lovers trope (which, if you're reading this fic, you probably do), then I have a romantic, smutty short for sale for $2 now over on Gumroad called "Adagio, then, Piu Mosso". Check it out here: https://gumroad.com/l/XrUNd
> 
> alternatively, if you like poetry, my poem, "Weeds", will be featured in the upcoming zine, "Kill Your Lawn Vol. 1" available in physical and digital formats at the Late Bloomer General Store starting October 4th. https://latebloomer-general.square.site/
> 
> Thanks for reading. Stay safe out there in the dark between home fires.
> 
> 'sp00ns


End file.
